The Emotional Side of Cervivor School

In last week’s post I discussed all that happened during Cervivor School 2017 in Delray Beach, Florida. But I wanted to also touch on the emotions I felt during this year’s Cervivor School experience.

During Cervivor School, we not only receive a vast amount of knowledge concerning cervical cancer, HPV, HPV-related cancers, and the HPV vaccine. But we also learn a lot about ourselves as cervical cancer survivors (Cervivors). When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in the summer of 2014, I didn’t know anyone personally who had gone through cervical cancer. I had never experienced seeing someone go through any type of cancer. I had met women through online support groups, but being in a room surrounded by women from around the country who’d gone through similar scenarios stirs up a ton of feelings.

When I first arrived I got the chance to see women I’d met during Cervivor School Louisville which was absolutely amazing. Many of us had shared such a deep connection at that school, that getting the chance to be together again was joyful. And then as the long weekend moved forward I made even more bonds with women I’m now proud to call my friends. With a Cervivor School as big as this one, I didn’t get to talk to everyone as much as I would have liked to, but hope to grow more friendships as we connect through social media moving forward.

But let’s get into the nitty gritty of it. Cervivor School, for me, means plenty of laughs and smiles and equally as many tears. During this event you discover so much about what other women have gone through, but also about yourself. In attendance were women who had been NED (no evidence of disease) for many years, some who had just recently completed treatment, and some who were living with cancer. All of our stories were different in one way or another, but in the end we were all “Cervivors”.

For me, it’s been almost three years since I got the phone call and heard the words “you have cancer”. In all honesty, it certainly doesn’t feel like it’s been that long some days, and then other days it feels like it’s been even longer. I think about cancer in some way or another at least once a day, though most days it’s more than that. So when going to Cervivor School I’m prepared in knowing that my emotions will stir because my cancer will be fully on my mind again, and that’s okay.

I cried when I heard other women’s stories of their cancer diagnosis and what they’ve been through since. I cried hearing those who spoke of living with cancer, mostly because it’s hard to understand why I’m okay but they still have to deal with cancer. I cried coming to new understandings about myself and being reminded that “it’s not my fault” (thank you again Dr. Castle). I cried thinking of the women in other countries who do not have the care necessary to get yearly well-woman exams that help prevent cancer, or who have cancer and treatment options aren’t easily available. I cried remembering that I’m not alone in all that I feel.

But I smiled and laughed so much more. I smiled spending time outside the “classroom” as I made new friends, some who I consider best friends today. We spent time by the pool, had meals together, and hung out on the dinner cruise (while I prayed I wouldn’t get motion sick). We talked about our lives outside of cancer and where we came from.

And then we cried when it was time to leave each other. I looked forward to returning home, I missed my family, but I was leaving my sisters.

Since my cancer journey, I question many things. I haven’t felt like I have many close friends to confide in or to just hang out with and get a drink or a cup of coffee. My social media friends are in the hundreds, but those I see face to face are in the single digits. Maybe that’s my fault, who knows. But when I was at Cervivor School, for five days I didn’t feel quite so alone. I had sisters; women who held my hand or hugged me when I was sharing something sad or difficult. Women who’d just met me, but welcomed me with open arms. I miss them since leaving Florida just over a week ago, and I wish some of them lived closer. Yet I know in my heart they’ll always have my back as we move forward in our Cervivor journey. I hope they know they mean the world to me.

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